Wednesday, November 8, 2006

An Open Letter to LaVar Christensen

Yesterday Utahns went to the polls and kept congressional hopeful LaVar Christensen from getting the chance he’d been dreaming of—serving in congress for Utah’s Second District.  He was soundly beaten, but his failed campaign did more service to Utah than he could have ever done in Congress.



Dear LaVar,



I want to thank you personally for your efforts to represent Utah in the U.S. Congress.  Undoubtedly you are disappointed with yesterday’s election results, and will be spending the next few days moping, throwing darts at photos of Jim Matheson, thinking of derogatory names that rhyme with Pelosi, and preparing for Armageddon. But don’t despair.  In an effort to cheer you up, I would like to point out how your failed campaign has served Utah.



LaVar, your efforts to not just blur, but completely eliminate the line between church and state have kept Utah’s population in check.  Utah has an ideal climate and the terrain to match.  Utah has superb mountain bike trails, fly fishing streams aplenty, and millions of acres of untouched wilderness, not to mention a robust economy and a low cost of living.  Thanks to your actions, millions of people who enjoy mountain biking, fly fishing, exploring the wilderness and earning a living wage have not moved to Utah.  Some won’t even visit.  They want nothing to do with a state ruled by you and your ilk that legislate morality, cite scripture in political debates, and would still vote Republican if the Democrats nominated Jesus. 



You have fought this onslaught of wickedness by writing a paper supporting The Sutherland Institute while serving in Utah’s House of Representatives.  You humiliated us by proposing legislation that would groom young women into “wives, homemakers and mothers” and encouraging couples to have “a full quiver of children.”  Utah needs a crackpot like you, LaVar, to embarrass us nationally every year or two.  Otherwise we might get discovered and our reputation as uptight, morally superior, squeaky clean, industrious worker bees might be revealed for the misconception that it is. 



So you see LaVar, your campaign wasn’t a failure at all.  You have done more for Utah in one short campaign than you could have done in two years in congress.  On behalf of all Utahns who enjoy it the way it is, I thank you. 



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