Originally Posted Sept. 23, 2004 by Mags
Our main pleasure as we cross the dull, husked prairie (or, as one
sign benevolently described it- “A Friendly Land of Infinite Variety”)
is an investigation of America's most beloved and well-fed animal: the
cow. Although range cows have been maligned by many as the laziest,
fly-infested, chigger-ridden, land eroding, disgustingly bloated maggots
ever to trample the earth, we intend to take a more objective approach
in identifying their unique traits and psychology. Our field work into
cow psychology is conducted in the plains and prairie states of the
western and mid-western United States. A typical field experiment
proceeds as follows:
Somewhere in the rolling hills of South Dakota, Nebraska or Iowa
We plow wind, our knee caps split with pain. Then they appear as we
round a curve. Cows! Brown, black and white cows, all stationary with
their heads bowed to the grass. Then the sentry cow lifts her head and
looks at us. Her spoon shaped ears stick out on each side of the broad
face, her two front legs are stanchioned beneath her torso. The torso
stretches outwards and downwards within a huge ribcage. Soon the entire
herd of 72 cows is staring at us. We are now 10 feet from the sentry
cow separated only by a barbed wire fence. “GITONOUTTAHERE! MOVE IT
MOVE IT! GIT-GIT!” The cows start and begin to stand.
“GITONOUTTAHERE!” we yell again. We are jubilant. The sentry cow turns
and trots up a hill behind the herd. Then all of them are running up
the hill. Tremendous bellies of all colors swing from side to side.
Cow flesh surges together in herd flight. At the crest of the hill
they've all come together, they rub and brush each other as they run.
Analysis of field experiment:
The first sign of the herd’s intelligence is the detection of the
researchers before we speak. It is to their credit that the herd is
able to distinguish us (brightly clad pirates on a long bike) from the
18-wheelers that rush past them everyday. The herd’s ability to
identify something abnormal such as us suggests that the herd may still
perceive danger although their capacity to avoid danger, say, in the
shape of a grizzly bear has been greatly reduced by hundreds of years of
human selection for massive torso size and small leg diameter.
The next indication of the cow's intelligence is its ability to
distinguish between different words. In early attempts to incite
exercise among the herd we would yell the word "maa". In practice it
sounds like a twisted, harsh version of "moo". A "maa" shouted in a
shrill stacotto only ever illicited a glance from the herd but the
phrase "GITONOUTTAHERE" caused a swift, organized stampede in 71% of the
trials.
In conclusion, we suggest that cows are not stupid, stinky
beasts but are actually sensitive, community oriented hive organisms
that respond well to repeated phrases and high decibel yelling.
Posted by Shirley Harris at September 24, 2004 10:49 PM