Maria's final entry

I'm almost ready to show you the final post in Maria's diary, in her own handwriting, but first I want to propose a hypothetical question. 

Suppose, hypothetically, you knew a way to contact one of the people we've been reading about in Maria's diary.  Let's just say it's her boyfriend, Jorge.  Further, let's suppose you happen to know where he works, and that perhaps you have a phone number for his place of employment, and that you know he still works there. 

Now for the hypothetical question:  If this purely hypothetical situation were actually true, would you try to call Jorge and see what happened between him and Maria? 

And if you would try to call him, assuming you could actually find a phone number for him, which I never actually said I had--this is a hypothetical scenario, remember--what would you say to him? 

Would it go something like this?

Jorge:  Hello.

Hypothetical Me:  Hi, I'm a nosey voyeur and I found your girlfriend's diary. 

Jorge:  Huh?  What the...

Hypothetical Me:  I'm calling because I want to know the rest of the story.  What happened between you and her?  I assume you never proposed to her on the beach in Hawaii.  And what about... 

Jorge:  You bastard.  I'm coming to get you. 

Hypothetical Me:  [click]

That doesn't seem like it would go very well.  So what would you say?   Please send me a comment with your better idea.  The best idea wins a Pepsi t-shirt that I can't seem to get rid of in any other way. 

OK, now for Maria's final entry (you may need to click on the photo to read it clearly):

 

Hiatus over (maybe)

There is a two month break between entries in Maria’s diary.  Even longer than the break between this and my last post.  While we may never know what was going on between Maria and Jorge in that time, I will tell you that I have been putting in a lot of hours on my skinny skis, with trips to Pinedale, Wyoming (all the civilization you need) and Cedar Breaks, Utah (skate skiing at 10,000 feet is really hard) in addition to skating all the local trails.  Oh, and there was a bit of extreme tubing too:

As I said, we don’t know what Maria and Jorge were doing during Maria’s two month hiatus from journal writing, but it is safe to assume that the tension between them that Maria wrote about was thickening.  It’s also interesting that there are 28 blank pages between these entries.  Was Maria planning to go back and fill in those pages with what really happened?  Or was it too emotional/powerful/beautiful/ugly/heartbreaking/nauseating to be written down?  Oh, how I wish I could ask Maria a few questions.  

In this entry we finally get a hint about Maria’s age.  She mentions that she had a bartending job in the past, so she must be over 21.  She picks up right were she left off—responding to the tension in Jorge.  

December 12

I realize finally that my getting upset with Jorge for not coming immediately home after checkout is not his fault.  He is doing nothing wrong, he has every right after a hard night of work to sit down, relax, socialize with friends and have a couple drinks if he wants to, just because I didn’t used to socialize and drink after my last bar tending job doesn’t mean he can’t.  I think what was really upsetting me about this whole this (sic) was that when we first started dating, he would come over around 11pm and tell me that before he met me he would always hang out after work and drink with his friends/co-workers but since he met me all he wants to do is come right over after his checkout to be with me.  So when he started staying later and later at the bar after work I started feeling like he didn’t feel the same for me anymore and I felt like he was having a better time there than with me.  

Can you blame him?

Probably because of all the times I felt that way, he sensed that I was unhappy with the situation and it made him not want to come home and deal with me. 

Umm, no kidding!?!  Next is one of my all-time favorite run-on sentences.  I wouldn’t want to deal with Maria either if she speaks in the same manner that she writes:  

I just wish he could understand that I look forward to spending time with him when he gets home and when he comes home really late I get tired and what he doesn’t realize is that sometimes I have been up since really early in the morning and have to get up early again so I need to go to bed and it sucks because I start getting upset because he doesn’t think about that, because he has no concept of time. 

To make this work with these different jobs and different schedules, we both need to respect and be considerate of the other person’s needs and wants.  Communication without attitude, without being defensive, just really listening and understanding and compromising.

Coming soon! (I promise) The exciting conclusion of Maria's saga.  It's a real cliffhanger.  Just let me warn you that it will leave you asking more questions than it answers.  

Surprise Jorge!

It's been a while since we checked in on Maria, the Healer of Santa Fe.  Last time everything seemed so wonderful, I was sure this match was made in heaven.  Oops, looks like I spoke too soon:

Oct 19

Last night I went to [the bar where Jorge works] to be surprise Jorge.  I didn’t get the wonderful warm welcome I usually do, he handed me a drink and said “here, I saw you coming.” 

Maybe Jorge wants to “talk on a deep level.” 

I asked him if he was okay and he seemed a little irritated.  Turned out he was just tired and had a stressful night, and everyone was coming to him for everything, he said people want too much from him sometimes. 

Doesn't she realize she wants too much from him too?  Something he isn't capable of delivering?

I need not take it personal, that’s ego.  It had nothing to do with me.  We drank a bottle of wine and talked for a few hours.  I was still feeling a little tension , the night before had been so amazing and beautiful and full of love, I guess I was a little disappointed because I was so looking forward to a forever continuance of that loving night that he told me he loves me.  I know we are getting back to that again now I just need to let that night go, and focus on new beginnings and continuing and remembering his and my loving words and feelings for each other, he loves me, this is the truth, this is what I need to always remember and feel, and he the same for me.

Next time:
    Maria responds in the only way she knows how.

San Antonio and trouble with Jorge

It’s been a star-studded week for me here in Tejas.  First there was my race against Lance Armstrong over the weekend.  Then, as I was checking into my hotel in San Antonio, a group of tall black men walked past me.  If I was the type that follows pro basketball, I would have recognized them as the New York Knicks.  But I’m not, so I was fortunate that a few of them were wearing T-shirts and other Knicks paraphernalia so I could figure it out.   A few of them said hello when I smiled and nodded to them.  Nice fellas. 

 Then today, as I was checking out of the same hotel, I noticed another basketball team walking in.  This time I didn’t have to look at their clothing to know who they were, because Yao Ming was with them.  The Houston Rockets were checking in.  I didn’t see a bicycle with Yao, but I still recognized him from this picture:

Since I was going to be in San Antonio all week, and since 
I had destroyed my back tire in my race over the weekend, I bought a cheap commuter tire to go on the back wheel, so I could see some of the city.  On Monday 
afternoon I set out to see the five missions of San Antonio Missions National Historical Park, which, according to the Lonely Planet guidebook, is a must see.


 

I loved looking at the Spanish Baroque architecture and this 250 year old fresco almost as much as I loved exploring a new city on my bicycle.  There simply is no better way to see a city than on a bike.

While pedaling around the rough edges of San Antonio, looking for good Tex-Mex and Barbecue (i.e. not on the Riverwalk), I made sure to stop at every thrift store I saw.  I was hoping to find the diary of another insecure, naïve healer in the used book section, but I was sorely disappointed when I all I found was children’s books and tattered romance novels.  Ok, maybe I was a little less disappointed to find the romance novels. 

However, in searching for another Maria, I realized I had forsaken the original.  It has been too long since we have checked in on our favorite Healer on Santa Fe.  So today’s installment covers three short entries that show just how enamored Maria is with Jorge.  First is Maria’s affirmation to herself that she and Jorge belong together.  It wrenches my heart to read how badly she wants Jorge to be the one for her, and how she believes that telling herself that it is meant to be she will make it happen.  I imagine she also believes that repeatedly telling herself that she can breathe underwater will miraculously cause her to sprout gills.

October 18

I am confident, strong and fearless, I let go of all guilt and fear and worry.  I have a man who is making me happy, Jorge E. and I bring each other, joy, love, respect, trust, loyalty, faithfulness, and happiness.  We are meant to be together, soul mates, let nothing tear us apart.  We are friends and lovers who communicate well to each other and are honest and open with each other.  Every day our love grows and we fell more passion for each other, we are in love and this love is always going to be strong. 

Next is a tender, unfinished letter to Jorge where she tells him that he can sprout gills too.  True love can do that to a man.

Jorge,

I am ready to move forward with you forever.  I am letting the past go, I am letting go of the guilt, thank you for helping me see how, because of you.  I trust you, I believe in us and I truly believe you are the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, I have no doubt I love you. 

Finally, this note welcoming Jorge home gives us our first concrete evidence—as if we needed any—that Jorge might not be as enamored with Maria as Maria is with Jorge.  I think it’s important to show this in Maria’s own handwriting.  Click on the picture for a bigger view.  Notice how she expected him to be home before 8:00, and that she waited a while for him for before she had to go out for an errand.  Where could Jorge be?

Next time:  What’s bothering Jorge?

Moving forward

Yesterday somebody out there in Cyber Land
did a Google search for “i want a man who is sensitive and loving to me”  and wound up on this blog. 

This made me wonder about a couple of things. 

1)  What kind of
person would turn to Google for a search like this?   You
can find a lot of stuff on Google, but I don’t think a sensitive and loving man
is one of them.

2)      After
searching for a loving and sensitive man, this person had the misfortune of
landing on Hooptedoodle and reading about Maria’s yearning for that same kind of
man.  I wonder if this person is waiting
to see what happens next in the thrilling story of Maria, the Healer of Santa
Fe. 

 So, without further ado, I present to you the next installment
of Maria’s story.

October 17

 Last night I had the best talk with Jorge, I told him that I
had been feeling a little insecure of his feeling + thoughts about our relationship,  I guess I was having a hard time not being
able to ask him questions when that is how you get to know someone better. 

 Or you could just read their journal

. 

 He explained that I misunderstood, he just didn’t want to talk
about certain big issues when were drunk. 
Good, I agree.  I told him that I
had a lot of hurt from my past and I didn’t want to be hurt again so I was having
a hard time completely letting go.  He told
me that he is not the one who hurt me…

 Yet.

 ...and he promised he would never hurt me…

 Oh Brother!  She’s not
going to fall for that one is she?  Yup,
she is.

 He told me I never have to worry about him cheating or
hurting me.  He told me that his only
fear is loosing me, that it took a lot for him to open up to me and tell me
that he wants to move forward with me, and to open up to me.  He said he is always going to be honest with
me.  He said I have everything and that
soul connection, I asked him when he told me he loved me on the phone 2 weeks
ago and then I asked him about it later when we were drinking…

 Perfect timing, Maria

 …he said “there are many ways to love” because he wasn’t
sure if it was too soon, but he said he can’t hide how he feels and he won’t,
it just shocked him when he heard himself say it because it was so soon.  He said “but I meant it, that is how I feel
about you.”  I told him that I am SO in
love with him, he said “I love you too.” 

 We hugged and felt it so strongly, at that moment we broke
down the walls, no more holding back, no more insecurities, if felt so right.
He sang me this song by Mana that was so beautiful and he said its how he feels
for me. 

He told me we are going to travel together to Mexico, Europe and Hawaii and help each other.  We decide we are going to open a spa
together.  This feels right, I know this
will happen… 

You can’t help but admire Maria’s belief in the power of
positive thinking. 

 …we have a future goal and it feels really good.  I had a vision of him proposing to me in Hawaii on one knee on
the beach in white linen pants and me in a white dress and a lei at night, it
felt so real.  I want this.  I can see us so happy forever together in
love.  I believe that Jorge and I are
meant to be together and are going to be so happy and so in love, growing with
each other and experiencing all the good things this life has to bring us:  love, honor, respect communication,
friendship, passion, happiness, togetherness, loyalty, goodness, laughter,
family, wealth. 

 Danielle Steel has nothing on Maria, the Healer of Santa Fe. 

 

 

 

Help me interpret Maria's dream

The next entry in Maria’s journal is a dream she had.  I present it here in its entirety.   

Dream- Scary, fearful.

I was at home and all of a sudden some cats started appearing in my house, I had been wanting a cat so I thought it was meant to be how one just shoed up but then a hole bunch more started showing up and 2 of them had these weird plastic homing devices on their heads and one cat had 6 ears, then I knew something was not right, then all of a sudden this malicious old couple showed up and they were trying to play games with me to spook me just for fun.  I kept trying to do everything to get rid of them, they kept reappearing, finally I got rid of them, then a different one appeared, I somehow got rid of him, I went to Lonnie for help on how to get rid of him he told me just focus on becoming a wolf and showing them your teeth and that you are not giving into fear and chase them away. 

[She notes in the margin:  They are just energy balls, they can’t hurt me False evidence appearing real.]

Then I was in this office building where Marcel and Darla worked.  Darla left a free pass for me to come see a show I went and decided to lie down for a minute and woke up the next morning with people—1 guy looking at me funny. 

So what does it mean?  Send your interpretation in a comment.  The best commenter wins a long sleeve Diet Mountain Dew T-shirt. 

Enter Jorge

When we last left Maria she was pleading with God to send her a man.  Not just any man, but “a man that is honest, and loyal and romantic and beautiful and kind and…”

Today we read that her prayer was answered.  Unfortunately we’ll never know exactly how it was answered because a page has been torn out from the spiral notebook.   I suspect they met in a bar. 

What we do know for is that she met a man named Jorge, and that they have moved in together.  The entry is dated October 13, just six weeks after she spent her Labor Day partying on Ecstasy in Hollywood, when she decided she was ready for a boyfriend.  The relationship is getting off to a rocky start. 

I am trying to figure out how to fix things with Jorge, What do I say?

I want to talk to you about that stupid question I asked you the other morning about seeing your car Monday afternoon down the street when you said you were across town with your daughter. 

I should have been irrelevant and not payed attention to because that was the past, it was before you told me that you want to move forward with me.  Also it was none of my business. 

I think what hit me was the past, I have been cheated on and hurt really badly and when you told me you were across town with your daughter and I saw your car here it was like the past slapping me in the face…

…when I heard the words come out of my mouth, I felt so stupid and I knew it was just coming from my repeated past and it has nothing to do with you…I do trust you and I do believe you will make me happy and I know I don’t have to worry about you hurting me… 

There’s even more foreshadowing in the entry dated October 15:

Are things moving to fast or have they?  Everything felt so right with me and Jorge.  They still feel right…

Apparently she shares the same belief as Dick Cheney in that the more you repeat something the more you start to believe it.  That’s right Maria, keep telling yourself things are right with you and Jorge and soon you’ll have yourself convinced. 

…I guess I am just scared of things changing…

Changing from what?  You haven’t known this guy six weeks.

…I was so convinced that he is “the one” for me that I have been telling him really private things and expecting him to share with me too so we can get to know each other deeply...

Jorge deserves a medal for putting up with this crap just six weeks into a relationship. 

He has been irritated with me because I keep asking him questions about his past, he keeps saying “we have our whole lives.”

…It seems like the only time we really talk on a deep level is when we are drinking…

I won’t make fun of that statement, because

1) its too easy; and

2) Ryan and I have our deepest conversations when we’re traveling to and from a bike ride.  We only talk about Mountain Dew while we’re in the saddle. 

…I really want this to work, I do believe we are meant to be together.  I worry about the drinking factor though, he drinks all the time…

I’d drink too if I lived with a woman like Maria.

…and that was one thing I really wanted to stop doing because I love being clear, I love being able to get up in the morning and feel good and do adventurous things, not sleep all day feeling sick…

Again, Maria, if that’s what you love, then you really should get a bicycle.  I do adventurous things on my bike every day and I wake up feeling good every morning. 

…I have fun with him when we drink, we just take it to the extreme and it’s not healthy…

Mags has said the same thing about my cycling addiction.  

…I really want us to be happy together and I don’t want my past, my fears to get in the way,  I need to remember that he didn’t hurt me, he didn’t do anything to make me suspicious or think I need to be defensive.  I need to give him the chance to prove to me that he will never hurt me.  I believe he will respect me, be loyal, communicate with me.  I want to trust him. 

I want to trust him too, but can I?

October 16

Jorge called me from work last night at 10:30 saying he was going to do his check out and hang out w/ his friends for a little bit then he would see me at home. 

Next time:  What Maria Dreams about. 

Maria wants a bicycle

The next pages in Maria’s journal initially appear to be a mundane list of things to do, with tasks like going to the dollar store, faxing a letter, etc.  But knowing that Maria is a healer, it’s intriguing to see that she also needs to buy more white candles, presumably so she can do more exorcisms.  She also lists getting two 2”x2” photos taken.  That’s the size and quantity needed to apply for a passport.  Is she planning an escape?  That also explains why she needs to call the Health Department.  Or does it?  Maybe she’s having some other tests done…

But if she’s trying to get away, why does she have the phone number for, and an interview date with a Ms. Hoe (I’m not making that name up!) who manages a local big-box store?  Is she going to get a job before she makes her escape?

Finally, because she’s beautiful and independent, she lists that’s she’s got to get her nails done.  That’s important for giving proper neck massages.  

The next page in the spiral bound notebook has been torn out.  It could mean nothing, but it could also speak volumes, because the next entry lets us add even more names to our list of Maria’s love interests.  We’ll pick up the story there.

I am sitting here in my new apartment in Santa Fe, Depressed and feeling somewhat alone, disappointed and unsure of what will be fore me here.  I have been drinking since I got here, not everyday but 2 binges…

Maybe that explains the page torn from the book; she doesn’t remember what she did that day, so she doesn’t want us to know either. 

…and that worrys me.  I want to be that strong secure confident person I was this last whole year and better, why am I here?  What am I to do here in Santa Fe?

Maria, the foreshadowing you’ve done already tells us readers that you’re here to meet a man.   Are you sure you’re not a trained writer?

I met a guy the first night I was here…

She certainly doesn't waste any time, does she? 

…Roger, and started really liking him.  It was strange, he was very affectionate very fast but then told me he is still in love with his ex.  He was calling me everyday and than all of a sudden 2 days and I don’t hear from him.  What happened?  This is part of why I am feeling so depressed, insecure, is it something I do to turn guys off?

Is it possible to put any more foreshadowing into a story?

…Am I boring?

Boring? My readership is up 20% since I started sharing your story, Maria. 

…How can I be more confident and less needy? 

If it hasn’t happened to you already, this is where it will get very painful to read.

…I really want a man now, I am ready to be in a relationship, a real loving honest good exciting relationship with a man who loves me.  I want a man who puts me first, who is always thinking of ways to make me happy…

Me. Me. Me.    Maybe, just maybe, this is why she has trouble having meaningful relationships. 

Next she puts into words exactly how many of us feel about our bicycles:  

…I want a man who is strong and sensitive, I want a man who wants to take care of me and dance with me and excite me and be adventurous with me.  I want a man who every time he sees me he gets butterflies in his stomach… 

My bicycle does all of that for me.  Maybe what Maria really needs is a bike.  But for now its back to the same recurring, painful pattern:

I want a man who makes me feel special, I want a man who accepts me and is proud of me, I want a man who loves that I am a healer and believes in me.  I want...

I won’t make your read it all.  She ends with this prayer:

I want this man now, I am ready, dear God, please bring me this man to love.  Thank you. 

Next time:   Maria’s prayer gets answered.  Or does it?

Maria, the healer of Santa Fe

Our healer friend Maria tells a compelling story.  The foreshadowing, if this were a fictional account, is over the top.  If only she had taken the time to go back and read some of her own entries.  

Maria recently moved to Santa Fe from Miami.  She never says why.  She struggles with insecurity while yearning for the same things we all yearn for: companionship and stability.  Frankly, Maria wants a man.  She just goes about getting one in her own way.  

We’ll pick up the story on Labor Day Weekend 2006.    

I arrived Friday eve to the Mondrian on Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood, I stayed with Alena and her boyfriend Larry.  Saturday night was the big event we went to Spundae to see Edgar V and other DJs with Alena’s brother, his girlfriend Chelsea, Rob, her parents and many more.  I saw Edgar come in and ran up to him, he was happy and so surprised to see me we hung out for a couple hours talking…

Let’s keep a tally of Maria’s love interests in this entry.  I think we can start our list with Edgar.  

…Alena and I decided to take ecstasy, her brother and everyone else we were with took it too... 

Chelsea's parent's took ecstasy with their daughter?

...We had a blast.  After the club we went to an after party at their DJ friend Ilia’s house.  I danced so much it was great I was intensely attracted to Avian.  I gave him a neck massage and after he held my hands for a while and kissed me very close to my mouth.  

Now we can add Avian to the list;

…I was having so much fun dancing and when Alena left and I sat next to Rob who reminded me a little of Damien, I really liked him, I thought he like me too…

We’d better add Damien to the top of our list, and Rob to the bottom of the list.  Maybe she’ll get somewhere with Rob.  He seems like a nice guy.  Oh wait…

…and then he said he was going upstairs to the computer, I didn’t understand.  I said “don’t leave me” And he didn’t even turn around, was he really high or did he just not want to be with me?  What did I do or say wrong?  I felt like I was being a pain in the butt.  I felt really bad after I was sitting there with him.  I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings.  I don’t want to be the annoying bossy all about me won’t shut up about Miami girl anymore.  I want to be more independent, not needy or co-dependent.  It’s not attractive.  People always think I am fun and hot and cool until my insecurity kicks in.  That’s fear, I don’t need fear, I am beautiful and independent, I think maybe this happened to make me realize that I really am ready for a boyfriend, feeling that connection, passion and intense chemistry made me want a boyfriend.  

Beautiful and independent huh?  Is that, and getting rejected by three different men in one night, what it takes to be ready for a boyfriend?  Will she become secure?  Will she find a man?  

Tune in next time for more adventures of Maria, the healer of Santa Fe.  

Chilies and Voyeurs

I’m spending this week in Santa Fe for some high altitude training before the 12 Hours of Sundance this Saturday.  Well, I’m really here on business, but I did arrange to borrow a bike so I could see the city without depending on a car, fighting traffic, paying for parking, burning foreign oil,…It's my way of supporting the troops. 

Riding through downtown Santa Fe, I came to the conclusion that it’s a nice little city with a big tourism problem.  There were gift shops peddling Indian jewelry, Chinese-made fridge magnets, and authentic New Mexican salsa made in Ohio.  Oh, there were over-priced art galleries galore.  The only thing missing from this tourist trap were boutique shops selling ‘homemade’ fudge.  I did find some spectacular New Mexican food, but it wasn’t near the plaza downtown.  It was on the ugly drag leading into the city at a place called Tortilla Flats.  The Steinbeck lover in me made me go there.  The chili rellenos made me never want to leave. 

After pedaling around to take in the centuries-old architecture, I decided to sample some of the more recent history of Santa Fe.  What better way is there to acquaint oneself with a city than to visit its thrift stores and see what the denizens throw out?

I was browsing the used book section, hoping to find a New Mexican cookbook to tell me what to do with the twenty pounds of roasted chilies I bought earlier in the day, when I came across a spiral notebook.  I’ve seen spiral-bound cookbooks before, so I thought I had hit the jackpot. 

I had, in fact, hit the jackpot.  It wasn’t a cookbook, but it did contain the recipe for delicious reading. 

It was the journal of a woman named Maria. 

Go ahead and call me a voyeur, but honestly, do you think you could pass up the chance to read someone’s diary?  Don't make me remind you that you are reading my blog, which is basically just an online diary. 

I happily handed over the 59 cents the Goodwill wanted for my priceless treasure and rushed back to my room to see what nuggets it held.  I wasn’t disappointed.

The first page outlines what appears to be an exorcism for somebody named Larry.  I present it below exactly as Maria wrote it:

1.    Light 1 white candle.  3 or more people holding hands in the center of the room.  3 clearing breaths. 

2.    Prayer:  Call in spirit guides of entities, ask that they surround them in love + Light and carry them home.  Now feel that.  Be aware.  Feel them go (circled).  Thank you for going home.  Ask all guides of everyone present to be there and participate—pause—(feel their presence). 

We command that you now leave. 

Only those energies that are appropriate connected participating in Larry’s highest good, joy, good health, growth, are welcome here.  All others cannot enter here.  be allowed in this house

Now that your are gone and never to return this house is now protecting Larry from all that is not at his highest good

This house is now filled with light and joy for ever more. 

Call in his guides help him to know that nothing can harm him in any way, no fear.  His energy field if free of all energies that don’t belong to his process.  Crown (circled).  Solar Plexus (circled). 

Stay tuned for more exciting events in the life of Maria, including partying on Ecstasy in Hollywood, her unexplained move to Santa Fe, and her plea to God to send her a man “who loves that I am a healer and believes in me.” 

My dear Maria, I believe in you.  I believe you have healed me of my boredom.